mafiadotorgfandomcom-20200213-history
The Tabloid News Special Edition 3
The Tabloid News: Special Rocket Edition ' Chef Pickles: Editor-In-Chief or Editor-In-Chef 'FROM THE EDITOR ' There comes a time in every journalist's life when a hard line must be drawn. Will he cover the important stories regardless of who his boss is, or will he print the truth? We at The Tabloid News take pride in our journalistic integrity, and are devoting this special edition to the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the ugly truth about La Stidda Mafia leader, Rocket the scourge of old ladies' purses and farmer's daughter's virginity. So, no matter what may come . . . on with the news! 'ROCKET IDENTIFIED AS SALAMI VIGILANTE ' First, it is not what you think you gutter minded heathen. Over the recent weeks, street mimes have been assaulted and bludgeoned nearly to death by a mysterious figure whose weapon of choice is salami. After several witnesses have come forward to collect the reward offered by local law enforcement, sketch artists have compiled a portrait of esteemed LSM leader Rocket. Eye witnesses report seeing Rocket come up behind mimes and beating them with a salami. Thousands hail him as a hero. The local Mime Union has put a $5,000 reward out for Rocket. 'ROCKET MAKES PACT WITH MIGUEL ' The secret of Rocket's luck and success has been discovered by the crack investigative team at The Tabloid News. It was discovered that months ago, Rocket made a deal with Canadian devil, Miguel. The famed and noted Molson swigging hoser, whose love of goats and midgets is known throughout the world, accepted a sacrifice of one hundred virgin goats and one hundred slutty midgets (or was it the other way around?) for his otherworldly assistance in become a very successful criminal. It is rumoured that upon death, Rocket will be required to serve as chief goat poop cleaner in Miguel's stables. 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN ' ''Ed. Note - Until now, we have not published the letters to Red Watch that Rocket has written as Chef Pickles had been under orders to not publish any evidence that Rocket needs the advice of others. Dear Red, Sometimes when I spend a lot of time in jail, I get afraid and lonely. What can I do? Rocket -------------------------------- Dear Rocket, I'll bake you a cake with a blankey and teddy bear in it. Red --------------------------------- Dear Red, How can I assure I have the most powerful mob in the nine cities? Rocket ------------------------------------- Dear Rocket, Promote Chef Pickles past Earner and stop relying on those inexperienced people like Carmine. Please promote Pickles soon before he pulls the trigger on the gun to my head as I write this answer. Red '''ROCKET'S HORROSCOPE (from The Lubbock Avalanche Journal) Sagittarius - Try to avoid shopping, since your sales resistance is apt to be rather low at this time. You could have regrets when the bills come due about buying foolish items you didn't need. Ed. Note: We're going to feel REALLY guilty if anything happens to Rocket while buying ammo now. 'CHEF PICKLES HIDES IN FEAR AFTER PUBLISHING UGLY TRUTH ABOUT ROCKET ' Famed and feared (and very good looking and single, ladies) Editor of The Tabloid News, Chef Pickles, has had to move to a remote city in Idaho after receiving several bullets compliments of Rocket after the LSM leader muscled his way into The Tabloid News offices and read the rough draft of this edition. Pickles reports he is doing well and living on a steady diet of potatoes. He hopes to return to Los Angeles soon to resume his job. 'ROCKET DENIES ANY WRONG DOING ' Here's a list of other things Rocket vehemently denies. However, you, the dear reader, can be the judge. Rocket denies going on a date with the Lock Ness Monster Rocket denies funding the thirty pieces of silver used to pay Judas. Rocket denies singing at the local karaoke bar. Rocket denies being a vampire. Rocket denies sleeping with underage goats. Rocket denies shooting Abraham Lincoln. Rocket denies any involvement with that incident involving the three clowns, bran muffins, the donkey, and the tire swing. Rocket denies enjoying a diet of broccoli and orange soda. Rocket denies having sunk the Maine for Hearst and thus starting the Spanish American War.